Quotes

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”― Robert A. Heinlein

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ― Steve Martin

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” ― Mark Twain

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.” ― W.C. Fields

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.” ― Markus Herz

“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources” ― C.E.M. Joad

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” ― Woody Allen.

“I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.” ― Jarod Kintz

“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.” ― Mark Twain

“I want you forever, not just for tonight.” ― Sylvain Reynard

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” ― Jane Austen

“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.” — Candace Bushnell

“When in a relationship, a real man doesn’t make his woman jealous of others, he makes others jealous of his woman.” — Steve Maraboli

“Don’t leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.” — Amy Sedaris

“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t being said. The art of reading between the lines is a life long quest of the wise.” — Shannon L. Alder

“My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.” — Jarod Kintz

“The time for crying with your girlfriends about a broken heart is over chocolate ice cream
and chick flicks—not stun guns and bulletproof vests.”- Ally Carter

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” — Groucho Marx

“Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.”- Jarod Kintz

“Insanity is everyone expecting you not to fall apart when you find out everything you believed in was a lie.” — Shannon L. Alder

«More often than not, what animals require our protection from is not hurricanes or fires, but abuse at the hands of other people.» ― Julie Klam

«Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.» ― Groucho Marx

«The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself, too.» ― Samuel Butler

«The only thing a cat worries about is what’s happening right now. As we tell the kittens, you can only wash one paw at a time.» ― Lloyd Alexander

“If you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself.” ― Albert Einstein

“Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.” ― Albert Einstein

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” ― Albert Einstein

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” ― Albert Einstein

“Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.” ― Albert Einstein

“Never memorize something that you can look up.” ― Albert Einstein

“I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” ― Albert Einstein

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” ― Albert Einstein

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein

“You never fail until you stop trying.” ― Albert Einstein

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” ― Albert Einstein

“It is not that I’m so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer.” ― Albert Einstein

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” ― Albert Einstein

“The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.” ― Albert Einstein

“He always accuses me of trying to look’cool’, I was like, ‘everybody tries to look cool, I just happen to be successful.” — Daniel Clowes

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” — Mark Twain

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).” — Mark Twain

“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.” — Mark Twain

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” — Mark Twain

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” — Mark Twain

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” — Mark Twain

“God created war so that Americans would learn geography.” — Mark Twain

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” — Mark Twain

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.” — Mark Twain

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ― Mother Teresa

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ― Jim Henson

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ― Groucho Marx

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you…I could walk through my garden forever.” ― Alfred Lord Tennyson

“I can’t give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.” ― Herbert Bayard

“I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.” ― S.E. Hinton

“He’s the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.” Mae West

“Women with “pasts” interest men because men hope that history will repeat itself.” Mae West

“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” Mae West

“When I’m good I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.” Mae West

“I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.” Mae West

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.” Mae West

“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” Mae West

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” Mae West

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” Mae West

“Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.” Will Rogers

“An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” Mahatma Gandhi

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” Albert Einstein

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas A. Edison

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe.” Albert Einstein

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder” Author Unknown

“Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.” Author Unknown

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” Author Unknown

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” Author Unknown

“When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded” Stephen Wright

“There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother’s age” Benjamin Spock

“For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.” Author Unknown

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” Author Unknown

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” Margaret Mead

“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.” Author Unknown

“Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.” Author Unknown

“Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.” Author Unknown

“When the light turns green, you go.When the light turns red, you stop.But what do you do when the light turns blue with orange and lavender spots?” Shel Silverstein

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” Author Unknown

“Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.” Author Unknown

“When everything is coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.” Tom Snyder

“Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?” Author Unknown

“Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.” Author Unknown

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”
George Carlin

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
George Carlin

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
George Carlin

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”
George Carlin

“I’m completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
… These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.”
George Carlin

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
George Carlin

“I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.”
George Carlin

“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
George Carlin

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
George Carlin

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
George Carlin

“A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.”
George Carlin

“A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy’
Albert Einstein”

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